Loved...vs...Lonely

I grew up in an aesthetically pleasing, stoic German family and community where I easily blended in. I looked the part with my blonde hair and blue eyes, yet I was a stranger to myself. 

As all teens do, I looked for mirrors to reflect back something familiar.  Subconsciously I walked around looking for a tribe that looked like me on the inside much like the little bird who fell out of his nest in Dr Seuss’s book, asking, “Are You My Mother?”

My core being: sensitive, quiet, and contemplative could not find herself as she looked at the extroverts, the big family gatherings, the achievers, the fashionable, the popular, the busy, etc.  A decision was made - accentuate my shell, dismiss what’s inside – case closed.

Survival is instinctual. Like in nature when a tree falls and blocks the straight path for water to flow, another way is found.

Loneliness became a companion to the highly sensitive part of me buried inside. Together, they survived behind internally erected walls.

I collected disguises of varying degrees like stacks of magazines, piling one on top of another. 

My vocabulary for feelings was limited but loneliness didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t know its name. It wasn’t really a welcome fellow, I did my best to make it go away, yet it clung to me even more. 

In hindsight, I now understand that loneliness was a lifeline to my true self, begging to not be discarded.

Loneliness was a lifeline to my true self, begging to NOT be discarded.

Like a beaver, finding debris to build its dam, I found various forms of Band-Aids to hold back the loneliness. Overeating being one of them early on.

EVENTUALLY, the tides turned when the Band-Aids broke, and I came to the end of myself and turned toward God. 

As humans we desire finding our own solutions before turning to our creator, the one who knows us even better than ourselves.

All the disguises and masks were my way of saying “God, I don’t like the version of me YOU created! There must be a better version ‘out there’ somewhere.”

But God’s voice was gentle and welcoming when I finally found words and voiced it to Him. He didn’t chastise me for wanting to be someone else, but He began to gently chisel away what wasn’t me and His light illuminated deep parts of me longing to be exposed.  

As time passes, I realize this is a lifelong journey of chiseling away what isn’t me and letting God nurture the seed of his image inside me. Us Christians have a churchy word for this, called sanctification.

Through my process, the deep need to be known and seen was the spark for this space, a welcoming Summer Camp for your Soul.

Imagine your awkward teenage self, arriving at camp. Rather than looking for how you fit in, this camp is different. At this Summer Camp, you are not allowed to be anything other than who you are at your core being.

It begins at dusk, and you are guided to the campfire and given an imaginary clear plastic mask.

Your vulnerable self is grateful to have something to hide behind because truly being seen and known is our deepest desire, yet scary as hell. However, not being willing to be known and seen; is, in its own way a version of hell. 

Skeptical yet curious, you walk toward the fire making sure the clear mask is still there. One step, then another and another. That deep part being drawn…

That is the vision for this blog. For you to keep turning toward being welcomed, seen, and known. For masks to melt away as you make room for His presence and those that he sends to SEE you.

My hope is to use my experience to help you begin to understand the relationship between living loved and known instead of living lonely. 

It is a journey, and I welcome you to come with me.

The treasures He has placed in your inner most being will begin to shine when you stand at the fire and let Him separate lies from His truth.  All in the Light of His Love.

So come as you are and let’s explore together what it looks like to trust Him to protect us while we lay down ALL that isn’t us.

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Check out some additional posts from fellow Hope*Writers using the prompt word “Lonely”:

Is God Lonely for You? By Sharla Hallett

https://sharlahallett.com/is-god-lonely-for-you/

Simple Is Better Lent - When Lonely is OK by Dianne Vielhuber

https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2023/03/01/simple-is-better-lent-when-lonely-is-ok/

Open Letter to the Lonely Mom by Ashley Olivine

https://www.ashleyolivine.com/lonely-mom/

Lonely in a Digital World by Amy Cobb

https://www.tayloredintent.com/blog/lonely-in-a-digital-world

Breaking the Stigma: Understanding and Talking About Loneliness by MelAnn

https://lifesouvenirs.net/p/breaking-the-stigma

photo credit: Canva